SPASTIC MAX

soon come.

Normal

BUT IF YOUR IN LONDON...

Have a go on this.

J U I C E

If you are in Cambridge on Thursday have a go on this.

I would like to do a mixtape...

with all these guys.

CP Unreleased Vol. 1 - Full Tracklisting

1. Eye Spy (2003) Prod. by Kerem Fraiche

2. Gruesome (2003) Prod. by Kerem Fraiche

3. Fuck a Job (2003) Prod. by King Kongsbury, Cuts by Sammy B-Side

4. Good Morning (2004) Prod. by Stan Dudley, Cuts by Kerem Fraiche

5. Confessions Of A Wasteman (2005) Prod. by Adrian

6. All Sorted And Shit (2005) Prod. by Kerem Fraiche

7. F.A.Q. (2006) Prod. by Stan Dudley

8. Richie Rich (2006) Prod. by Stan Dudley

9. Peppermince (2006) Prod. by Stan Dudley

10. Current Affairs (2007) Prod. by J-Rap

11. KeyJamBosh (2007) Prod. by J-Rap

12. Grenadier (2008) Prod. by Shankles

13. Cold Lovin' (2008) Prod. By Mr. Avocado

14. Fenland Badmans (2009) Prod. by Adrian

15. Tyramid (2010) Prod. by Lamplighter

It's getting released digitally in its entirety tomorrow from H E R E... 

IF I COULD DO A COLLABORATION...

with anyone in the world it would be this guy...

WE LOVE EBOUE BOUE...

I don't give a fuck if this blog is read by people who hate football. Emmanuel Eboue (Arsenal's second best right back) is absolutely SMASHING IT on Twitter since he signed up a couple of weeks ago. He is funnier than Eddie Murphy.



And here is photographic evidence that Eboue is in fact a complete G.

INSIDE MY HEAD IT GOES...

This is the sound in my head when I vomit rainbows over my shoes and repeatedly smash my face into a brick wall..

ummmm

UK



US

DR SKUFF - RAVER FOR LIFE!!!!!

So admittedly this is a pretty shit gif animation. Of the two I have ever made in my whole life this is the shittest, however, it becomes instantly AMAZING if you hit play on the player below.

Shy FX & T-Power feat. Di - Shake Your Body by Positiva Records

I like the fact that as long as the internet exists (which will basically be until the earth explodes) Skuff will be raving his socks off NON STOP until oblivion strikes. Only then will he stop.

STAMINA MASSIVE INSIDE THE RIIIIIIIIIIIDE WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL UP MINE SELECTA!!!

PS - Big up Skuff.

Gil Scott Heron - Peace Go With You, Brother

PLANK ON PLANKER

50 foot drop the other side of this wall RONNIE - WOT!!

EXCLUSIVE...

Pictures of the High Focus tour bus revealed!!

CP Unreleased Vol. 1 Available for Digital Pre-Order NOW!

Pre-order now and get 6 tracks today and 8 more for free when it comes out. After the 1st of June the price goes up to a £10 for all the tunes. So get them while they're hot...

Who remembers this one?

Best vinyl pack ever.

STUDIO OF THE WEEK

Note the label maker in the back - essential hardware.

GUN OF THE WEEK!

Have nice day...

Sci - Fi Stu - In The Air - feat Veteran Assassins

Here is my boy Sci-Fi Stu's latest effort. Big ups and all that. From Scotland to the US of A.

Sorry Sammy.

What a Planker...

I've been planking from day...

PLANKING IS GANGSTER...

BUT ALSO FATAL!!

INSIDE MY HEAD IT GOES...

This is the sound in my head when I get smoked by Princess Peach....

SAMMY B-SIDE AND THE FIXIEASCO.

Orwhite you lot - Swammy Bee-Siiyde ere. Word on the kurbsiyde is dat some cannt called edwood szizzortanngue anly faaking spilled the beens on me fucking fixie gear bike faak up that i went and add the uvver day on twerry hintun woad. I told him in confidunce wot happunud and he onley went and wroete abaat it on this chimney and fog.

THE FUCKING CANNNT.

I said I wouldn't tell my saaayid of the stoweey unless I got 5 wotting porks, but seeing as dere is six alweady I may as well faaking get on wiv it den innit dough.

Well basicalleey wot appened is I faaking faand dis biyke in me fwont gardun wot sum faKking tea leafing sossidge had abandondid. I woz wunning late for a gig in Womford and as I woz playing a bakc to bakc set wiv big Mo fwom Eastenderz I didunt wunna be layte as I ave always add a soft spot for bowf the Bigg Mo and the little Mo and I woz fairly confedunt of banging her, so I jumped on the buysighkul to get twain station kwicker coz I woz down for a white pwoper tear upp and woz all liyke WOT IS HAPPUNING BWUVVVerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

NaaOw dont get me wong I ave got mad skillz on dose bee emm exxes but let me tell you deese fixed geer bikes are a fuckking joke. As soon as I got on da fing I was like “ARE YOU HAVING A FUCKING BUBBLE BATH OR SUMFING DIS IZ ONLY PEDALLING ONE WAY AND DAT IS JUST STOOPID AND DUMB AS WELL AS FICK!!”.

So anywayZ, being the super slick muverfucker that I is I was determined to get to du train station quick still and so I concuntrayted like well pwoper huard and got da fing moving but then just daan the stweet I add to slow daan coz dere was a red laight and a bunch of fakking mugs woz cwossing the fucking road and dere was a lolleypop laydee wayving a stwipey stik at me and everyfing. In twying to stop my fukking bwand new carharttt jeanz got court in the faaking fixie faaking chain and i twied to stop even arder but the momentrum I had picked up meant I could not stop myself from fakking it up pwoper and the anglebars pwoper bended the wrong way and I got tanglered up and smashed my boat race on the floor. I woz literallizy entertwinnded wiv the bike as da denim fwom my jeans got court in da chain and wripped like I was impwisoned or sumfing - i felt wellz closterafrobiks. I was incarpassertayted and let me tell ya i woz wery wery wery pissed orf and bleeding un all.

I stwuggled but dat only made fings wurse and eventuallyz woz so tangled dat I had to get some old biddy wumon to help me aat cause i figured her knittting skillz would be gud to get my jeans aat of the chain and they were pretty gud still.

By now I new dat I woz gunna mizz my chanz to play bak to bak wiv Big mo off of Eastenderz and I was well screwing about dat, so I turned my attentionz to the granny wot helped me out finking I could do a Wayne Roonie on her but she weren’t down with da Dyer Sossidge so I fukked of back 'ome to write my Nutz column for next week and have an iron tank innit.

To mayke fings wurse some plum shooterid a video ov da inseedunt...



PS – For sayle – fixed gear byke – wed fwame – denim in chayne – tanggled and mashed to fukk – pwoper naughtey ryde - 200 reddies.

Danny I mean Sammy synning awt – fuck off.

Way Past Bosh's Bed Time...

THE GREATEST FIND OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Life has a funny way of sorting you out sometimes. It can also kick you in the face whenever it wishes. Usually life does way more kicking than sorting out, however, this only makes the sorting out even sweeter when it comes through. Take the other day for example, I was doing what I do 5 (sometimes even 6) times a week (pushbiking to work) when I saw something out of the corner of my eye peeking out of some rubbish bags on the side of street. The thing I saw made me stop and turn around. The thing I saw was Skeletor.

I have spent a decent amount of my adult life trawling ebay pages for the 80's toys that I used to own, but never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to stumble upon the UTTER TREASURE CHEST that I found myself rummaging through in some back street last week.

Luckily my backpack was basically empty and so I proceeded to fill it the fuck up with the following items of pure brilliance.


Gringer

Werewolf Troll

Skull (with detachable teeth)

Tin Tin

Gorilla (made in Taiwan)

Zombie Troll

Skeletor #1

Ewok #1

Commander Dogstarr (Bucky O'Hare)

Ewok #2

Beastman (He-Man)

ET (with illuminating eyes and finger)

Evil Granny (Ghostbusters)

Skeletor #2 (with battle scars)

To conclude...

One man's junk equals another man's treasure

and...

I would be so so so so so pissed off with my mumsie if she threw all of my toys away.

SHOUTS...

to all the SMB bredrin representing in central America. Obviously they are doing it proper but this picture seems to be a pretty decent visual representation of the pure unadulterated jokes they seem to be having.

BITTY

SAMMY B-SIDE IS NEITHER COOL NOR A DICKHEAD

B-Side told me the funniest story today about his first (and last) ride on a fixie bike. All I am going to tell you is that he didn't realise it was fixed until he was chewing the spearmint asphalt.

Trouble is I was so hungover that I don't really remember the details and Sammy refuses to tell me again UNLESS this blogpost gets 5 rotting porks.

You know what to do...

Macho Man Randy Savage R.I.P.

Despite have a name like a horny cannibal Macho Man had bars. TRUST.

THE GOLDEN SPATULA

I told my boss that my name was Bill as I have a criminal record for stealing pick n mix from Woolworths that I wanted to keep in the closet. My least favourite part of my job is draining the meat but my favourite part is when the patty's sing to me.

Dominique Young Unique

My boy Johannes did this vid. 6 animators plus the Run DMC logo as inspiration plus all sorts of other shit equals this pile of colourful stoof.

Scissortongue is in talks (early stages) with Dominique about a collaboration and shit which will blaiters be well good. Major props to Johannesburg for this one - he WILL be doing a video for my record because he is safe like that.

t

Leaf Dog - From A Scarecrow's Perspective Preview

Salute kiddies. Leafy has been sitting on more heat than this guy. 'From A Scarecrow's Perspective' is out June 13th. Pre-Order at High Focus.

FAT PUKING CHICK OF THE MONTH

Tour 2: Leggy

I woke up with a massive dog sitting on my feet. I tried to shuffle it off, however, the dog had other ideas. Not wanting to inconvenience him I moved, he lived there after all. After a very necessary shower, I went back to the van with Sammy.

Everyone else had been on road all morning. Between arguing with French construction workers and getting into beef with Parisian street gangs they'd found some booze and managed to get to the park. I felt fresh as a daisy and down for a mission. Which was handy since we had to drive the length of France to play in Montpellier the next day. After a coffee binge and a tasty munch we booted.

Lenny.

FREESTYLE CYPHER.

HFTV: Jam Baxter EXCLUSIVE

Hungry?

WELL GET IN THE KITCHEN AND CLICK THE LINK THEN!

I like the flying pigs heads.

CP Unreleased Vol. 1

Soon Come...

DOPPELGANGER

NICK CLEGG ^^^


JEREMY KYLE ^^^

Scissortongue: The Never Before Seen Footage

I want that T-shirt...

Leaf Dog - Some People Say

High Focus and Real Life Drama in the building. Please be upstanding for the first video from Leaf Dog, with one of my personal favourites 'Some People Say' - off of his debut solo album 'From A Scarecrows Perspective' coming this June. 

Stuart Baggs … everything he touches turns to sold

I clocked this article in the Guardian and all I could think about was how this guy should so be a rapper. Below are his top tips to succeeding in business, but I think he is secretly talking about the rap game. The only thing this guy is missing is a flat peak and he will be up there with Kanye.

Fit body, fit mind
Staying in shape not only helps you be a hit with the ladies, but also a success in business. As you saw on The Apprentice, my good looks and physical stamina helped me stay calm under pressure and to make the correct decision time after time.

Keep temptations away
It's all well and good sitting next to the office photocopier, but who among us can honesty say they'd not be tempted to photocopy their body parts all day long!

Don't listen to criticism
After all you're better than them, and one day you'll be their boss (if you're not already).

Office romance is not acceptable As an attractive red blooded male (see above), I often distract women around me in the work place. This leads to reduced productivity and red faces all round.

Watch out for the pitfalls of the office party
Remember what happened to John from accounts? His stomach wasn't the only thing that got pumped that night. Don't end up as the laughing stock of the office.

When firing people, try to put yourself in their shoes
Once you've realised how pathetic they truly are, it should make it much easier to kick them out without thinking how their five children will eat again.

Beware of office politics
Don't allow yourself to be dragged down by the perpetual tribal bitching between the sales and accounts departments. Remain secure in the knowledge that all the fit women work in marketing anyway.

Dress to impress, but don't be afraid to innovate
Perhaps wear a colourfull Christmas tie in July. Show those office drones you understand fashion by grabbing it by the balls and twisting hard.

Work 24/7
Downtime is for computers not for humans. Why not take the office home with you? If you're in a relationship try to include at least basic word processing during lovemaking. Spelling mistakes can be correct afterwards.

Remember the office is like the jungle
He who shouts the loudest gets the prize. Don't be afraid to confront weaker rivals and offer them helpful advice such as, "Life's not working out for you really is it?"

Tour 1: Weird Guys

There we were. Suffering from the effects of extreme sleep deprivation with no regard for our own safety in an affluent region of "Gay Paris". 

The show we did before was average, mainly because the crowd wasn't huge and they couldn't make out quite what we were going on about. Plus, we were in charge of kicking off the live music portion of the night - which is almost always brass.

Skuff - Soldier

Taken from the Deep Covers project. There is something celebratory about this video - big up Skuff and all the Delegates.

R KELLY

So I just saw R Kelly on Jools Holland. He sang I Believe I can Fly. It was basically rubbish. He also pissed on Aaliyah when she was 14.

This is not Dave Chapelle this is R Kelly.

What's Hip Hop?

CHINTON

CHINTON

SWAG

This guy has got the swag of a champion. First things first, big ups for being such a booze connoisseur that he refuses to compromise on the two crates of beer he fails miserably to pinch because HIM AND HIS MATES WANTED BEER. Surely the easier option would be to pinch a hench bottle of spirits so he could run to the car AND pull his baggy-as-fuck trousers up at the same time if called upon?

He looks like he is going down a flume when he stacks it.

This is...

arguably the finest song ever made in the history of FUCKING EVER.

Back Off Tour

You'll get the lowdown on the tour soon. But it's hot and I'm tired so not yet. In the meantime Raphael Saadiq is a bad man. Shouts to Cutty for paying women to cry.

COOKERY LESSONS

The director was blatantly too scared to tell Raekwon that his acting was pony and a second take might be required.



that's a (doner) wrap.

TRON CAT

MAN HAS BARS...

and he fucks dolphins.