The Coldest Turkey in Town

One freezing turkey sits on a frosted bench on a crisp winters afternoon, besieged on all sides by the lukewarm partridges and temperate quails that strut the woodlands. A snotty nosed toffee eyed prat of a seven year old boy stares up from the muddy puddles below.

"why didnt you get yammed on christmas day, with all them vegetables and all the gravy and the stuffing, and the two kinds of potatoes and the steamed red cabbage, and all that shit?"

He screamed. His drunken mother spun slowly on her rotten toes, but was too busy thrusting three needles into a common oaf to discipline him.

"I was too blitz"

Replied the Turkey. The child guffawed with the temerity of a blinded pirate, boarding a ship of steel plated murderers armed with an antique cutlery set.** The Turkey dryly peeled off a strip of legskin, ready to blindfold the child and waterboard it till it talked. But it was too blitz, and instead it shivered in its own personal antarctic, like a deformed Hansel chained to an obese Gretel, longing for the musky heat of a witches oven.

**Fassbeard the Blind had been swashbuckling since the very first buckle was first swashed by a fat tramp in 1802, but that in no way altered the fact he was shit at it, and had a habit of attempting to board boats that practically overflowed with the hot sludge of aggyness. This he would do singlehandedly, and would subsequently receive the parring of a lifetime. He had been blinded in the Great Eye-Gouge of 1834, but this had only made him more foolhardy. This time however, was different. He had got his hands on an antique cutlery set, and had been practicing with a butterknife all afternoon. He boarded. He stumbled. He was happyslapped. He winced. He hopped. He was kicked and bitten. He dodged. He took some MDeez. He fumbled. He got bricked. His blindly flapping armz settled on what felt like an antique mink ladies mitten. Booty! In reality, man got a dead rat. Success! As he was launched from the vessel by the tree trunkish armz of Pumpface the Fuck, he cradled his bounty like a hot turkey fresh from the oven. TRUE STAUREEZ

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