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31.3.11

"PORK PIE" OFFICIAL VIDEO.

COMMING SOON is the new video from the mega sick bad fresh album "constant dikestar" titled "PORK PIE".
You know the drill, dike.....being a wanker....in public.
You can clock the EPIC cameo's from the big dinosaur himself FLIPTRIX, and the slimey fishman that is JAM BAXTER.
no pork pies were harmed in the making of this video.
however, one seagull was killed.

WHACK!

Today, I will be mainly hating on shit rappers.



Have you heard this? No? Good. Don't, it's Horseshit.

BE AFRAID

DRE'S HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS!

Jesus! so this is the new dre tune. fucking shit. Skuff put me on to this manwank cupboard of awkwardness late one friday at a half built radio lock up. Is it just me or do you get the impression they've been pummeling each other in the rusty bullet hole?
did dre actually crash a car? why? what? i love my friends but fuck off.






30.3.11

Sammy B-Side Vs. Mark Kermode


BBC 5Live film critic and Skiffle enthusiast, Mark Kermode, has been sending for the CP DJ Sammy B-Side. Not only has he been spreading lies about the lack of love he gets from men, but he's had the bare faced cheek to circulate rumours that Sammy has been pretending to be Laurence Olivier. In my book thats a strait-up bitch move.

Whilst promoting the release of his new self help book 'Help Yourself', Sammy decided to set the record strait...

28.3.11

MY SMILE IS BRILLIANT.



nyyyaaaa I disagree.

W.A.R (We are Renegades)



Jammy B was too lame to blog this shit - I think he has blogging allergies - he would rather post it on Facebook because less buttons need pressing - but kudos for bringing it to my attention Jammy B - I for one am SUPER FUCKING PSYCHED about this record; Pharaohe Monch is despicably rad but I have to say that I am slightly prang about all this war talk jibber jabber. I reckon an episode of Dispatches might do the job better than the medium of rap but then again I have not even listened to the maafucker yet.

EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER!!!


Key at Chinawhites.

I would just like to take this opportunity to congratulate Mr Key for signing professional terms with Arsenal Football Club. Key is so underground that he can find the time to cultivate his tekkers to a level the likes of Cesc Fabregas and RVP are rating as DOPE AS FUCK!!!!!

That is all.

PLEASE BE PATIENT!!

Fresh out of the recovery position and into the fire.

So the Smokemybeef blog is two years old and like any other two year old it has just about figured out how to walk to the fridge to get another beer, roll a backflip in the dark and get banned from Outlook. Still, at least this milestone has got certain peeps interested again and word on the street is that Dirty Dike (definitely), Jammy B (hopefully) and Mr Key (unlikely) are all jumping back on the posting bandwagon!!

The jury is still out on whether to give Sammy B-Side posting rights.

I
am
thinking
NO.

Now I know that Ronnie B and myself have been piping on about competitions and giveaways and nangness and other dope shit, but you guys are just going to have to hold on a little longer before we pick our winners. We have been inundated, literally INUNDATED with entries. Here is a picture of our secretary Marilyn with the piles of evidence...



To keep you interested while we sift through the letters and emails and sign for all the recorded deliveries and take all the little diddy rolled up entries off of carrier pigeon's ankles, here is some footage of Don Vito going nuts...

27.3.11

Nahmean?















If you haven't clocked 'Big Ghost Chronicles', then do so. Quickly. I'm still undecided if its an elaborate fake or if Ghostface has really been battering the blogosphere. But either way it's funny as a fat chick falling over. In his most recent post, Starks dishes out the Pretty Toney Awards. Categories include 'Hottest Chick In The Game', 'Baddest White Broad Alive', 'Most Garbage Ass Nigga Breathin' and 'The Gay Merlin Award'. Namsayin.

And for absolutely no other reason than it being nang...

25.3.11

TRUCK PAR.

Two

24.3.11

It's coming...

23.3.11

Telemachus Ft. Roc Marciano - Scarecrows



Here's Chemo smashing it like a plates at a greek wedding. Roc Marciano delivering a fresh sack of deepness. The limited edition 7" is apparently going like hotcakes...

22.3.11

DIRTY DIKE Vs BROKEN-CULTURE



Dikestar has only gone and jumped on the interview roundabout with this supremely entertaining read. I don't know about you lot but Dike sounds like he was a right little BASTARD when he was a kid.

My favourite quote by a country mile...

"I started getting HHC and putting the posters on my wall and bumping Onyx “Slam” whilst waving a bb gun in the air."

CLICK HERE

Get your rat out.



October 2007 was a big month.

Jam Baxter...



memorable update master.

21.3.11

I have always...



rated this dude's flow.

20.3.11

Just a heads up...

I will mash you at ping pong.

Dirty Dike - Misplaced (Prod By.184)



BUY.

You want stuff. We've got stuff.

Scissortongue said that he's going to dash some free stuff at followers, I said I'm going to do the same. Then after doing some tedious admin to make this blog more nang FOR YOU - I noticed that its the SmokeMyBlog's 2nd birthday on Friday. It probably makes sense to do the do in honour of us waffling to no one but ourselves for a couple of years.

We got CDs out the ass. Stickers for days. Dirty Dike has promised to add his lucky underpants to the prize fund. Mr. Key is going to make you the omelette of your choice. I'm in talks with Baxter about him auctioning an evening with Smackbot (The robot sent back from the future to write his bars for him).

But there ain't nothing free in this life... And here's where you start paying... IN MEAT. I want to see some pictures or videos of you weirdos enjoying SMB and meat, in equal measure. The redder, the better. So send your meat based media to smokemyblog@gmail.com.

5 top guys will get all of the good stuff.

19.3.11

I well want to visit New York.



I haven't been before.

RAEKWON THE CHEF...

Verb T the enforcer, Jammy Bacharach, Fliptrix the giant and DJ MADNICE represented x1000 at the HMV Forum last night as support to Raekwon the chef.

This is what it looked like from where I was standing - hopefully Sugai can stick some videos up at some point so we can see what it both moved and sounded like...





DAS WAS ZEHR GUT, ZEHR ZEHR GUT.

Ronnie Bosh's rhymebook...

17.3.11

Contact Play - Small Talk (Illinformed Remix)

Cliff.



16.3.11

RIP NATE DOGG



Nonsense aside, I would just like to say RIP NATE DOGG.

Of all the musical movements that have made their way across the pond since my ears got passionate about music, the Long Beach G-funk era is up there as arguably the most profound. Nate Dogg will always be remembered as the most iconic 'voice' in rap.

LEAFY: "He was the bruce lee of hip hop singing." Spot on.

RIP

Your Mum...


ra.

15.3.11

CONGRATULATIONS BRYAN!!!


BIG BRYAN GOT MAD GAME!!!!!

It is a statistical fact that if you are responsible for 92.75% of all the love ballads that exist on this planet that you will (one day) impregnate a female. All of that unadulterated rhymebook lust merchanting has come good for the Prince of Thieves LEGEND at the tender age of 51.

I remember selling loads of FULLY DOPE toys at a car boot sale when I was about 8 in order to raise money for my sister's secondary school uniform costs (man my family were gay) back in the day. They raked it in - I single handedly funded her PE kit, and the one thing I got as a thank you was 'Everything I do' on cassette single. I am trying to sound pissed off about this, but at the time I WAS FUCKING LOVING THAT TAPE!!!

listen-and-flip-and-listen-and-flip-and-listen-and-flip-and-flip-and...

17 WEEKS AT NUMBER ONE YO!!!!!!

Anyways, back to the matter at hand...

"BRYAN ADAMS is to become a dad for the first time - at the age of 51".

THE SONGS THIS KID IS GOING TO WRITE - I LITERALLY CANNOT FUCKING WAIT FOR THAT SHIEEIEIITITITITITTTTTTTTT.

OFWGKTA



I am not even for a second going to front on the efforts of Pitchfork for their recent Odd Future dissertation. Whoever wrote said thesis should be some sort of occupational therapist who improves rappers mental wellbeing by dissecting their EACH-AND-EVERY-MOTHERFUCKING-BAR.

"hmmmmmmm I think by spitting that bar there about congealing vaseline stuffed crust go-karting concubines represents your desire to eat more pineapples on wednesday evenings and that you actually fancy your sister hmmmm hmmmmmm".

"hhmhmmhmhmhmhmhm it is clear to me that you used sepia tones in your new video because you are Katie Price and Eric Cantona's lovechild and probably have fourteen toes on your left hand hmhmhmmhmmmmmm"

FUCK THAT SHIT DAWG...

What these folk have done, however, is compile a definitive list of the entire OFWGKTA back catalogue.

THESE GUYS GRIND OUT ALBUMS QUICKER THAN I GET THROUGH SEASONS OF LOST AND THAT IS QUICK AS FUCK.

So here is the UTTER goldmine of linkadinks suckas - I think it is sound advice to download them all and listen to them all - I think you will rate them as highly as the rest of the planet seems to at the minute, but you know me, I have had these mixtapes since 1996 as I am from the future but have travelled back in time as well.

Dirty Dike - Never Seen A Reason



If you play this tune backwards it contains a secret recipe for curing your own bacon... FACT. Buy Constant Dikestar. He's got a mouth to feed.

14.3.11

GET MASHED OR DIE TRYING TOUR

Coming soon to a France near you... 

SUNNYVALE IS BASICALLY CHINTON.



This is exactly what life was like in Chinton. Literally the ONLY difference is that there is no footage of a game of heads and volleys in this video.

NO FUCKING LIE - we used to make mad scrilla and buy all the feasts and twisters Fourbouys would sell us.

IT'S TIGHTT TUUH TUHH TUHHUT HTTTUUH TTUUHH TUYYYTIGHT.

13.3.11

Verb T Feat Graziella - Bounce With Me

There is no question that this is one of the smoothest joints that my ears have ingested in a long, long while.

The production, bars and vocals are so soulful that I feel like smoking a massive zut even though I know it would definitely induce some degree of paranoid schizophrenia.

The one thing that is really fucking with me is where this video was shot. I know I have been to the land of the stone dinosaurs before (those stone dinosaurs leave a permanent imprint on a 7 year old's memory) but I cannot for the love of me think where it is - Alexandra Palace maybe?

On that note, the first person to name the location of Verb's latest vid wins a nang prize!!!



LAZERBEAMS

CLAP

Mr Monch is one of the finest lyricists / social commentators and conceptualist wordsmitharians in the game. He reminds me of the Rawkus days which were FUCKING SPECTACULAR.

This is the new video from his impending third solo album 'W.A.R. (We Are Renegades)'. Calling this a music video doesn't really do it justice, it is more a short film of UTTERLY EPIC PROPORTIONS. Mr Monch is coming with the goods far more regularly now in comparison to what felt like the 20 year wait between 'Internal Affairs' and 'Desire'.

11.3.11

LIMBO

FOLK Vs BAXTER


looks like this.

EXCLUSIVE!!!!









Edward Scissortongue - 1/5th of Contact Play and a total longout is making an album - a solo one. Special guests include ... me and Contact Play and (hopefully) Dom Wilson on the whistle. maybe Minh on the ukelele but probably not as he is a cock.

Everyone seems to think that I am long and lazy and shit and poor and basically Burnley fc and they are completely right (except for Chris Eagles - he has twinkle toes). What they fail to realise is that I am actually ON IT (just secretly) like flying a kite in the dark.

Here is the proof - reams of ^ PHOTOGRAPHIC ^ EVIDENCE ^ ! ^ ! ^ Think about it - would someone head all the way to Glasgow to turn a bunch of tracks into a fully functional musical something with messir Lamplighter if we didn't mean business?

There are (on average) 757,000 pieces in a jigsaw puzzle - I have collected twelve thusfar - get to know.

BIG UP BIG LAMP!!

Street Fighter V reveals new characters!!!



L-R: Ken, Scissortongue, Ryu.

Arthur Buxton

is creating wonderful things on the reggatonies at the minute. Not that he wasn't before - it's just I only just found out about his surreptitious brilliance.

Anyway's clock his blogspot for more wizardry.



CONTACT PLAY VECTOR PORTRAITS IN THE PIPELINE!!

Q-UNIQUE...

reminds me of a character from Tron Legacy in this video having a frisbee fight (and this is not a bad thing one fucking bit). Dike showed me this and i was like DAYYYYME - hang on a minute, I am Dike.

9.3.11

The joy it brings to this guy...



Not sure about the yiddo graf in the back there though.

Johnny 5



I would love to see Necro and this guy do a tune. DEATHMURDERKILLKILLROBOTBARS.

NIGHTBREED



WAS ILL.

FUCK YOU VASE.


JOHANNES SCHAFF ...

is a London based filmmaker who lives well near the venue that all my SMB mans nearly got batted and chained by a gang of mans who took offence to Dike's MASSIVE GOB.

CLICK ME NOW!

He makes fantastic shorts, feature films, conceptual thingammejigs but most recently, an utterly nanananananananananananng music video for Florida based artist Dominique Young Unique.



Have a go on this and tell me she isn't captivating.

GET UP ON MY BLOCK AND YOU CAN FEEL THIS GLOCK!!!!!!!!

8.3.11

Yeezy Taught You Well.

7.3.11

BANG BANG SKEET SKEET

REACH.


First 50 people that come with the mums get in free. 

Midas touch finger poke straight to the retina 64



I used to work in computer games - it was dope (ish). There is something fairly special about working in a place where pretty much everything you do contributes to something that is not real - I was into it. Sitting in meetings discussing axes, new powerups and powerful chinese crime syndicates who-steal-credit-card-details-in-order-to-set-up-automated-accounts-that-illegally-macro-in-game-gold-pieces-that-are-then-sold-for-real-money-on-the-black-market are jokes meetings to be in.

Then again it is all a massive pile of pixelated shit, is it not?

If you were to ask me right now what I was going on about I would struggle to give you a straight answer, however, what I do know is that this post exists to document the work of a musician who I rate up there with the greats - Dilla, Premier, Hi-tek, RZA, Mr Avocado - the heavyweights.

His name is Grant Kirkhope and he looks quite like Daykin.

This guy's opus is the score for the Nintendo N64's most iconic and (arguably) best release EVER - Goldeneye 64. Just check this out for a game synopsis...

"The player assumes the role of James Bond as he fights to prevent a syndicate from using a satellite weapon against London to cause a global financial meltdown."

UMMMM SEE INTO THE FUCKING FUTURE MUCH?

Now i'm not really one for the whole James Bond franchise and I certainly don't own one of the breezeblock boxsets that you can buy off massive crates in the entrance of HMV (and not just because you need a forklift truck to get one to the checkout) - I also think Daniel Craig looks like a right twat jumping in between cranes in his Specially fitted Sunspel polo shirt, but enough about all that - I just back Goldeneye 64 as arguably the dopest game I have ever played.

Remember Donkey Kong Mode? Paintball mode? Getting shot to death over and over and over again? Remember all out war with anything up to 4 players and getting branded "Most cowardly" and "Where's the body armour?" Remember how it was actually illegal to play as Oddjob?

All ^ of ^ these ^ things ^ were ^ dope, but the standout element of this juvenile analog stickswivelling activity was the musical score of which I have tracked down a page which has EVERY SINGLE TRACK ON IT!!!!!!

Dirty Dike and myself have had energetic conversations in the past about doing a Goldeneye mixtape - quite possibly the raddest idea ever - and I am fairly confident it will happen in the next 20-30 years. I just need to hit a 187 on a snooker table, bowl a perfect 300 at tenpin and become the best maker of a toad in the hole this side of Chiswick first.

PS - If anyone steals this idea and makes said mixtape then you are gay but I am not sweating it as I know that OUR MIXTAPE WILL BE BETTER THAN YOURS.

Next week - Pilotwings.

AINT NO PARTY LIKE A CP PARTY.



YOUR NAME'S NOT DANNN YOU'RE NOT COMIIINNG INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. ESPECIALLY NOT YOU...

GINGENIE

Props to David Bowie's prodigal fictional bar spitting son.



The ROFLCOPTER / OXFORD SCHOLAR / PROPER TOSSER combo is the dope tonic.

e
d
w
i
n
a

These bitches...

6.3.11

ALWAYS SEE EVERYTHING MY BROTHER...


BLAOW.

5.3.11

DR DRE...

would you kindly put out a new album rather than spending all your time MAKING LAPTOPS, ENGINEERING HEADPHONES AND EATING STEROIDS?

4.3.11

THIS IS SOME BULLLLLLSHIT.



It is actually kind of deep to hear that Phil Collins can no longer physically hold drumsticks to clatter the pans anymore. Apparently he has to sellotape the sticks to his hands in order to muster a measley boom boom clack.

However, this is probably due to the massive wodges of cash that he carries around throwing at stuff just for jokes. I hear he killed a swan with a fiffty faaaaazand paaaaand bundle in a park one time.

Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to say BIG UP to Phil for everything he has done for music. I have definitely dry humped a girl while listening to this...

3.3.11

Be Very Afraid.


When he's not killing it with impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger or smashing the pasty out of shottys, BVA MC is churning out bad boy lyrics. He's just dropped his first solo EP so go buy it. And after the drop cop the free download of 'Lost Leafs'. 9 tracks of unreleased Leaf Dog material featuring a remix of 'R.L.D.' with Contact Play all up on it.


Suave Debonair - IT Dave



Massive new video from TT representative, Suave Debonair (aka Kid Genius). The video features a jokes cameo from super producer Naive. PEEP IT.

1.3.11

Suave Debonair - IT Dave (Teaser)



If you don't know about IT Dave you will soon. Video imminent, here's the teaser...