SAMMY B-SIDE AND THE FIXIEASCO.

Orwhite you lot - Swammy Bee-Siiyde ere. Word on the kurbsiyde is dat some cannt called edwood szizzortanngue anly faaking spilled the beens on me fucking fixie gear bike faak up that i went and add the uvver day on twerry hintun woad. I told him in confidunce wot happunud and he onley went and wroete abaat it on this chimney and fog.

THE FUCKING CANNNT.

I said I wouldn't tell my saaayid of the stoweey unless I got 5 wotting porks, but seeing as dere is six alweady I may as well faaking get on wiv it den innit dough.

Well basicalleey wot appened is I faaking faand dis biyke in me fwont gardun wot sum faKking tea leafing sossidge had abandondid. I woz wunning late for a gig in Womford and as I woz playing a bakc to bakc set wiv big Mo fwom Eastenderz I didunt wunna be layte as I ave always add a soft spot for bowf the Bigg Mo and the little Mo and I woz fairly confedunt of banging her, so I jumped on the buysighkul to get twain station kwicker coz I woz down for a white pwoper tear upp and woz all liyke WOT IS HAPPUNING BWUVVVerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

NaaOw dont get me wong I ave got mad skillz on dose bee emm exxes but let me tell you deese fixed geer bikes are a fuckking joke. As soon as I got on da fing I was like “ARE YOU HAVING A FUCKING BUBBLE BATH OR SUMFING DIS IZ ONLY PEDALLING ONE WAY AND DAT IS JUST STOOPID AND DUMB AS WELL AS FICK!!”.

So anywayZ, being the super slick muverfucker that I is I was determined to get to du train station quick still and so I concuntrayted like well pwoper huard and got da fing moving but then just daan the stweet I add to slow daan coz dere was a red laight and a bunch of fakking mugs woz cwossing the fucking road and dere was a lolleypop laydee wayving a stwipey stik at me and everyfing. In twying to stop my fukking bwand new carharttt jeanz got court in the faaking fixie faaking chain and i twied to stop even arder but the momentrum I had picked up meant I could not stop myself from fakking it up pwoper and the anglebars pwoper bended the wrong way and I got tanglered up and smashed my boat race on the floor. I woz literallizy entertwinnded wiv the bike as da denim fwom my jeans got court in da chain and wripped like I was impwisoned or sumfing - i felt wellz closterafrobiks. I was incarpassertayted and let me tell ya i woz wery wery wery pissed orf and bleeding un all.

I stwuggled but dat only made fings wurse and eventuallyz woz so tangled dat I had to get some old biddy wumon to help me aat cause i figured her knittting skillz would be gud to get my jeans aat of the chain and they were pretty gud still.

By now I new dat I woz gunna mizz my chanz to play bak to bak wiv Big mo off of Eastenderz and I was well screwing about dat, so I turned my attentionz to the granny wot helped me out finking I could do a Wayne Roonie on her but she weren’t down with da Dyer Sossidge so I fukked of back 'ome to write my Nutz column for next week and have an iron tank innit.

To mayke fings wurse some plum shooterid a video ov da inseedunt...



PS – For sayle – fixed gear byke – wed fwame – denim in chayne – tanggled and mashed to fukk – pwoper naughtey ryde - 200 reddies.

Danny I mean Sammy synning awt – fuck off.