Stuart Baggs … everything he touches turns to sold

I clocked this article in the Guardian and all I could think about was how this guy should so be a rapper. Below are his top tips to succeeding in business, but I think he is secretly talking about the rap game. The only thing this guy is missing is a flat peak and he will be up there with Kanye.

Fit body, fit mind
Staying in shape not only helps you be a hit with the ladies, but also a success in business. As you saw on The Apprentice, my good looks and physical stamina helped me stay calm under pressure and to make the correct decision time after time.

Keep temptations away
It's all well and good sitting next to the office photocopier, but who among us can honesty say they'd not be tempted to photocopy their body parts all day long!

Don't listen to criticism
After all you're better than them, and one day you'll be their boss (if you're not already).

Office romance is not acceptable As an attractive red blooded male (see above), I often distract women around me in the work place. This leads to reduced productivity and red faces all round.

Watch out for the pitfalls of the office party
Remember what happened to John from accounts? His stomach wasn't the only thing that got pumped that night. Don't end up as the laughing stock of the office.

When firing people, try to put yourself in their shoes
Once you've realised how pathetic they truly are, it should make it much easier to kick them out without thinking how their five children will eat again.

Beware of office politics
Don't allow yourself to be dragged down by the perpetual tribal bitching between the sales and accounts departments. Remain secure in the knowledge that all the fit women work in marketing anyway.

Dress to impress, but don't be afraid to innovate
Perhaps wear a colourfull Christmas tie in July. Show those office drones you understand fashion by grabbing it by the balls and twisting hard.

Work 24/7
Downtime is for computers not for humans. Why not take the office home with you? If you're in a relationship try to include at least basic word processing during lovemaking. Spelling mistakes can be correct afterwards.

Remember the office is like the jungle
He who shouts the loudest gets the prize. Don't be afraid to confront weaker rivals and offer them helpful advice such as, "Life's not working out for you really is it?"

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