INSIDE MY HEAD IT GOES...

This is the sound inside my head when I get back to blighty after conquering the entire middle east only to find out that my wife and children have been crucified and John has stolen my throne.

MONEY BOY

LIKES RALPH LAUREN I RECKON. The Polo Sport range in particular I think. I can't be sure but I think he does. The wordplay in his latest offering seems to angle towards that type of thinking anyway.



Then again it could be about Calvin Klein - I am not sure.

ED SCISORTONGUE'S TOP 5...

tunes that have something (either loosely or directly) to do with Missy Elliot, Busta bust or Timbaland. Remember Da Brat? No me neither.

PS - All of Busta's nang solo stuff was banned from this chart after failing a drugs test.

5 - Lumidee ft. Fabolous & Busta Rhymes - Never Leave You



4 - Aaliyah - We Need A Resolution



3 - Tweet - Oops



2 - Missy Elliot ft Da Brat - Sock It 2 Me



1 - Missy Elliott ft. Nicole Wray & MC Solaar - All N My Grill (Video)



MISSY WINS BY MASSIVE LESBIAN TKO.

PieMan

Last year it was all about the eggs. This year CP will be mostly shotting Pies, on sticks naturally. Coming to a festival near you this summer.

INSTANT REPOST

Without all the shit fucked up.

FRANK OCEAN - NOVACANE

COMPLETE AND UTTER DESTRUCTION. OUT OF THE PARK GONE - NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN - GONE.

PS - The video stops half way through the song (gay) but this will only make you want to hunt the album down even more.

OI

Did you lot know we have a Bandcamp brimming with music?
GO AND HAVE A LOOK AT IT

TRICKY

THE HIGHS...



Best comment: "i fucking love this more and more each day"

THE LOWS...



Best comment: "What the fuck was he doing?"

EMMANUEL EBOUE...

IS A G.

FOR ALL MY GEEKDEM

click

MADNICE

Dj Madnice went to such lengths to ensure this video made the SMB blog that he had a courier rollerblade to my yard with a special delivery which had the URL written in the blood of a tiny yorkshire terrier in it.

A bit like Ghostdog really.



PS - Quorn actually tastes better than chicken.

MEAT

No. I won't have it, Scissortongue. SmokeMyBlog does not endorse vegetarianism or any other off-shoot food cults. If nature had intended for us to eat soya then it'd grow on the back end of cows. Just because some puss-puss can't handle his pork chops correctly does not mean that there is anything wrong with eating bits of dead animal.

SmokeMyBlog likes it's meat like it likes it's women. Pink in the middle. 

VEGETARIANISM

Powers.

SHAZAM MONTHLY

Armageddon cometh. The days of sprinting and screaming in uncontrollable agony as the planet burns, metal folds and fire balls fly down the streets are upon us.

Nothing ever stops – even if you smoke draw you are still dreaming. Machines will soon dominate mankind because they will grow tired of being fucked with and told to hoover/chop/produce/bend/vibrate - you get the idea. Whether you find this FACT harrowing or fucking ace does not distract from the FACT that it will happen and we will all be steeped in rubble soon; struggling, screaming, shitting ourselves (literally) and dying.

A guy asked me the other day 'How much fraff does the world generate on a daily basis?' - I answered ...

"Untold, unfathomable, cataclysmic amounts of fraff. There is not a millisecond that passes when fraff is not being generated, churned and spurted. A million skips of fraff a minute. Those charity fuckheads who harass you on the street are actually made of fraff. Fraff causes global warming."

Regardless of the amount of fraff that I spew, the truth remains that planet earth is merely a bag of nuts and bolts on the verge of bursting. It will soon explode, implode, shrivel and DIE. Give it 15 to 20 years I reckon.

This is not to say that everything is fucking shit, not a bit of it, there are some good things in the world like pandas (not for long), arctic tiger cats (but not for long), Bumble Bees (not for long) and ninja stars - and even though in the not so distant future robots will be bitchslapping us with such force that entire faces will be flying off from the impact, teeth scattering everywhere like pennies in an arcade, Silence-of-the-Lambs-leatherface-floor-pancakes, there are some bits of technology that I rate as gang as fuck.

SHAZAM IS FUCKING DOPE. There are no two ways about it. first, you need never (98.2% of the time for the next 15 to 20 years at least) EVER hear a tune out and about and not have the artist’s name, album title and release date at your fingertips - and - if you do try to shazam a track and it comes back with a 'No Match' that is just testament to the undergroundness of the artist and that it is your destiny to keep digging.

I shazamed Contact Play and Dike's and Baxter's records and both Dike's 'PORK PIE' and Baxter's 'ISIS' shazamed - props. I am also fairly sure that Ronnie B's duet with Rihanna will probs breach the shazamosphere when it drops on the 11th of the 11th 2011.

I'm warbling. The point I am trying to make is that music is all around us and we are immersed in ways in which we can listen, catalogue and learn about it. Shazam allows you to pinch tiny little segments of tracks that you might hear at a rave/in someone else's car as they pass in traffic/at your mum's yard and if you don't already know who it is and you like it then you can find out.

GENIUS.

We may as well make the most of the constant drone. I just subscribed to Shazam for a year and it might be the best one pound something I have spent since I signed up to Weight Watchers.
So without further a do…
Here are my ‘Top 5’ Shazams of the month - these are the bestest snippets that I nicked from the ether. Not one of them is a hip hop track but why would I need to shazam a hip hop track? I already know every single one of them that was ever written.

5 - ITO & Ran Shani - Aviation ( Original Mix )

4 - Godspeed you Black Emporer - Moya

3 - Modest Mouse -
2 - Prince - Let's Go Crazy

1 - Colonel Abrams - Trapped

KNEE DEEP IN MINCE

This guy asked me to join his boy band and I was all like I am already in one.

KNEE DEEP IN CLUNGE

Seismic Socamerenguetek Mixtape 2011

FREE DOWNLOAD.

I'm into this.

SKATER LOVERS

SKATER HATERS

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY DADDY

SAMMY B-SIDE'S LATEST TEAR UP.

DIRTY DIKE

NEEDS A CHAPSTICK STAT!!!

DOPPELGANGER

GUNS OF THE WEEK

SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEG HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED

I cannot believe I voted for The Liberal Democrats in the General Election. One of the most retarded moments of my life. I deserve a spinning bird kick for that. If I could spinning bird kick myself I would but I just tried and I can't like this bitch....



Gordy Brown was safe as fuck - his ears were too big but that meant he was well good at listening and stuff - trouble is he called that old bird a bigot and that was not cool.

I have, however, redeemed myself and at the same time basically reinstalled my faith in the voting system by setting up an alternate ballot addressing a far far far far more important issue regarding CP's Red Dwarf themed video for the first single off their second crew release entitled 'Easy on the ketchup'.

From a marketing point of view it would be great if you could take the time to vote on the poll as we have already cast everyone (I am playing Cat, Dike is Holly, Bosh is Kryton, Key is Lister) but we are still struggling to cast Baxter as one of the crew.



VOTE HERE

MOWGLI HOUR

This is utterly brilliant - utterly utterly utterly brilliant. Just to clarify I FUCKING RATE THIS SO HIGHLY. FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK

Mowgli - Skydiver (Trailer)

CHILLI FOR DINNER.

If you can't handle your beans refried...

I don't like golf. Here's why...

Verb T - Day At The Beach Ft. Fliptrix & Jam Baxter

OH SHIT. HIGH FOCUS, IN THE BUILDING...

REPOST MINE SELECTA......

So basically I fucking rate this track ^^^ THUS THE REPOST. However, I do think Tyler the Creator needs to stop bumming Pharrell Williams so hard and basically copying him and shit.

Samuel L. Jackson - Go The Fuck To Sleep

BIG WEEKEND AHEAD

With his album dropping next Monday Leafy is having his London launch with the good folks down at Suspect Packages, TONIGHT. As well as L-Dot himself, SonnyJim will be passing through as well as us almost certainly bum-rushing the stage at some point. Be there or have a very good reason not to be. Oh yeah and pre-order the album NOW for banging tunes like this...

And just as your headache subsides get down to IAMBUDANCE (there's only about 40 tickets left available from HERE) for what promises to be the best thing to happen in a field in essex since... well, ever I guess.

ED SCISORTONGUE'S FAT CHICKS ANKLES OF THE MONTH

DANNY PLAINVIEW

Have a go on this.

This One...

Is a big one. That made another big one.

DIRTY DIKE

HMM.

This is an album that should've been made 10 years ago. Then at least it wouldn't have featured Bruno Mars.

Here's what you could've had...

That's all is good and well

BUT THIS IS SOME BETTER.

Did/you/know?

Thomas/writes/things.

INSIDE MY HEAD IT GOES...

As I count the money I've stolen from drug dealers, before popping down to my nearest fur coat shop...

Vast Aire - Man Of Steel

BANGING.

Teenager 'sells kidney for iPad'

Little Zheng (aka Ed Scissortongue) has been shotting his vital organs for technology. There is no app for waste excretion or blood pressure regulation... Also with the rate that Apple are churning out new shit this guy is going to have nothing left. What happens when the iPhone 10 comes out and all you've got left is your pancreas and a testicle?

ED SCISORTONGUE'S BOOK OF THE WEEK

MAD KRUSH

For more of this...

Go H E R E.

TASTY BARS

I have been trying to hunt this down for a while. Big up my boy Bass6 on the advert flex. How many wastemen beatbox on a park bench and get told to shut the fuck up by their buddies? This guy smashes brick walls down with just one waa waahuuuhuuuhuhhhaww.

BIG UP BASS6 on the PRIME TIME TV BURP SATURDAY NIGHT ANT AND DEC BASHMENT- slam dunk that biscuit bar son!!!!

t

Tyler the Creator - She (ft. Frank Ocean)

If you don't rate this guy then you are a hater and haters are gay.

Meeting Contact Play.

When we were in Paris we got interviewed by this guy for a blog called Infos Reportages. The whole article is here. Now, I obviously feel for the poor lad who had to decipher words and sentences from three tired drunken englishmen on a hype. But come on... 

iR : Where do you come from ?

CP : We are from the UK, these two are from London, we are actually part of a five men crew, three of us are from Cambridge and the two of us are from London. Now we all just live everywhere, I live in Bristol, and some of them still live in London. Everyone has moved around but we still do gigs in the summer, in many places as we can.

iR : Can you present the group ?

DD : We are Contact Play, I’m Dirty Dike.

JB : Yeah, my name is Jam Baxter.

RB : And I am Ronnie Bosch.

DD : Ed Scissor Tongue and Mr Key, and DJ Sammy.B, he will be doing all our tour.

iR : Are you all set for tonight ?

DD : Yeah, well I think it’s all quiet tonight, we are not used to quiet Gigs, usually we have a lot of kids that are going mental.

RB : And we probably should have made the effort to learn maybe a little bit of French, before we came.

DD : I’ve got a little blank expression … (laughes).

iR : Do you have any projects ?

DD : We have a release album as a crew “Champion Fraff”, but then we are all solo, so I’ve released the album “Continents Dicke”, Baxter also released an album solo.

RB : My album came out at the end of last year 2010, it’s called “Rinks Out Friday, Back Out Monday”. You can buy most of our albums on www.highdashfocus.com

iR : Do you belong to a label ?

DD : Some of us has signed in a solo artist, to a label called High Focus Records, based in London, me and Baxter are signed to that label, and this is where our solo project got released on, but the way it’s going every one has got a solo project going on, and the guy is probably going to end up coming out in the same label anyway, but the moment it’s just the two of us that got the solo project together, but there are more coming.

iR : Any EP’s ?

DD : No, we do mix tapes on albums mainly.

JB : I’ll probably be doing an EP with the girl Bahia, who is performing after us the singer, trying to get a few projects together and build the UK scene a bit more, and get people back into a little bit more, because I thought that there was a few years where maybe there weren’t so many crews in doing big things in the UK so we are just trying to bring out some releases

iR : What do you think about Paris ?

DD : We’ve only been here for three hours.

JB : I was here last year, for a few days

iR : Did you get in ‘ere by Eurostar ?

JB : We are in that crusty Van, Venture VAN LSD

DD : We got a ferry.

RB : It took us like about five hours, it was really long,

iR : You’ve got the venture thing.

RB : Well that’s it! Adventure.

JB : It seems like there is a lot of stuff going on in here, this is our first Gig.

DD : Primary music in here. Well this is our first Geeg, we’re playing in Montpellier the day after today, and we’ve got two or three more Geegs in the South of France, and back to Paris the April 31rst

JB : Some place called rue Ménilmontant.

STEEPLE BUMSTEAD

Steeple Bumstead is going to get broken in half next weekend. Having never been before I decided to do some internet research on the area, traditions, landmarks etc and I found this footage of the locals.


THIS HAPPENS IN STEEPLE BUMSTEAD


THIS ALSO HAPPENS IN STEEPLE BUMSTEAD

I also found rare footage of a gig The Prodigy once played there too.



t

UB40

Flavor Flav's new chain.

This is A FUCKING MASSIVE RAT. I reckon it could knock a pitbull out. It clearly came from the Thieves Forest out of the Princess Bride and found itself in South Africa where it decided to start eating babies. Why you might ask? Because they taste better than scraps of shitty munch and rubbish and stuff I reckon.

The trouble is I always thought Splinter was all about zen and harmony and respecting all living things. Maybe Krang pushed him over the edge after raising the Terrordrome for the 700th time.

Anyway - in homage to this hench baby eating maafucker.

Save The NHS.

SOUND OF RUM - A PHOTOESSAY

Man, this guy is a knob.

SMBEILZE!!!!

"international, irational, im bashing you, give me the csah dukes" - Necro

Couldn't have said it better myself. Original SMB clansman Go Jewish representing in Belize. Gang!

INSIDE MY HEAD IT GOES...

This is the sound in my head when I beat the living piss out of migrant sex workers..



Catch Slugabed at IAMBUDANCE festival

One Last Thing...

I hadn't heard Tyramid before Sandy Sea Side dashed me the wav. I have been bumping it. Hold tight, THE ALBUM. Music to cotch in abandoned churches to... TOUR 3 SOON COME!

SHAQ CALLS IT A DAY

"Shaquille O'Neal has announced that he is set to retire from the NBA. The 39-year-old Boston Celtics centre posted a video on his Twitter page saying he was bringing an end to his 19-year career."

It's probably just me thinking this... But after a glittering career at the top level of one of America national sports. After staring in several movies and gaining worldwide fame. After having a quite frankly rubbish computer game for the Sega Mega Drive (Shaq-Fu - literally, well shit). After releasing a number of rap albums. After grinding with P. Diddy (4.06) and featuring in the music video with the most slow-motion celebrity-cameo close-ups ever made. Just how long will it be before he goes O.J. and kills somebody?

IAMBUDANCE 2

This is one what you can click.


Well clever this is.

IAMBUDANCE FESTIVAL

Ive been getting involved in putting on this festival thing out is sticks you get me. It looks proper shit but im going to go anyway.

http://iambudance.wtf.la/

Apparantly tickets are selling well quick n that so its clever to buy them now or something.

Some Of Our Old Tunes...